When couples 50 and over split, the phenomenon known as gray divorce, the waves of shock, pain, and trauma wash over them and their family members. Forgiveness often seems impossible for divorcing parents and their children. As Stephen Levine writes, “When trauma disturbs our future, deeper psychological wounds may persist…Long after the shrapnel is removed, the inner war continues.”
Every day, in my psychotherapy practice, I see patients struggling because they are stuck in the emotional and physical effects of the trauma of divorce.
The American Psychological Association defines forgiveness as willfully putting aside feelings of resentment toward an individual who has committed a wrong, been unfair or hurtful, or otherwise harmed one in some way. Forgiveness, importantly, is not equated with reconciliation or excusing another, and it is not merely accepting what happened or ceasing to be angry. Rather, it involves a voluntary transformation of one’s feelings, attitudes, and behavior toward the individual, so that one is no longer dominated by resentment and can express compassion, generosity, or the like toward the individual.
Forgiveness is not a substitute for grieving, and it is not forgetting or condoning what someone has done that hurt us. We must grieve the losses, wounds, and harm done to us. Sometimes we can begin the forgiveness process while still grieving.